Its my birthday today. Hmmm...I don't know how to feel towards it, really. On the one hand, I'm quite grateful that this night isn't turning out to be a repeat of last year, where I inevitably landed in jail. Around this time...hell, I don't even remember what happened this time last year because I was drunk off my ass. On the other hand, I feel quite unsatisfied that I'm NOT drunk off my ass; our culture associates the 21st birthday as a celebration that requires the birthday boy (or girl) to drown their night out with lots, and lots, of alcohol.
Still, who wants to drink on a Sunday?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Betrayal
I just betrayed a friend. A dear friend, a brother to me in so many ways...and I've sold him out. The situation is more complex than that, but when it boils down to it...I've betrayed somebody's trust.
And it was the best decision I could have made.
And it was the best decision I could have made.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Resolutions
The first post of the New Year. Of the new decade, even. Looking back at this past year (and ten years), and all the ups and downs that I've experienced...its mesmerizing, really; that a person could experience all this, could change so much, and yet have so much more to live and change still. Of friendships born, and friendships ended; of victories gained, and defeats suffered; of joy, of sorrows, and everything in-between.
Twenty (and soon to be twenty-one, with all the fun that entails), I'm in the prime of my youth, yet ready to see so much more. So...a new year. A new decade. Time to wipe the slate clean. Anything is possible, all boundaries have been lifted.
Time to start this next set of ten years with a bang.
Twenty (and soon to be twenty-one, with all the fun that entails), I'm in the prime of my youth, yet ready to see so much more. So...a new year. A new decade. Time to wipe the slate clean. Anything is possible, all boundaries have been lifted.
Time to start this next set of ten years with a bang.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Conundrum
On my drive back from Stockton today (a dentist appointment, unfortunately), with nothing but a dark and rainy environment and Radiohead to keep me company, I tried to wrap my around an interesting conundrum:
Do chains dictate a person's lack of freedom, or do they represent an even greater expression of freedom if they are worn willingly by the person?
Let me backtrack for a moment. Today, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. Upon further examination of my teeth, she tells me the obvious (I need braces, have been needing them for years, etc.). She gave me a pamphlet for a new way to adjust teeth called Invisirack; basically, some company tacks casts of your teeth, and then give individually-tailored, clear plastic racks that are placed like a second skin around the teeth and taken out during periods of eating, etc.
The price is $4500. A bit too high, I thought, and a sentiment also shared by my parents, considering that our insurance doesn't cover ortho work. I don't resent them for saying no, though; they've got far more important things to cover the cost of then a perfect smile and bite for me. Still, I try to make sense of that nagging thought that bothered me as I set off from Stockton, knowing that my parents would say no...do I wear my chains freely?
And do you see them?
Do chains dictate a person's lack of freedom, or do they represent an even greater expression of freedom if they are worn willingly by the person?
Let me backtrack for a moment. Today, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. Upon further examination of my teeth, she tells me the obvious (I need braces, have been needing them for years, etc.). She gave me a pamphlet for a new way to adjust teeth called Invisirack; basically, some company tacks casts of your teeth, and then give individually-tailored, clear plastic racks that are placed like a second skin around the teeth and taken out during periods of eating, etc.
The price is $4500. A bit too high, I thought, and a sentiment also shared by my parents, considering that our insurance doesn't cover ortho work. I don't resent them for saying no, though; they've got far more important things to cover the cost of then a perfect smile and bite for me. Still, I try to make sense of that nagging thought that bothered me as I set off from Stockton, knowing that my parents would say no...do I wear my chains freely?
And do you see them?
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Race
Last night was an interesting night; it being a Friday, it involved copious amounts of alcohol, although I am proud to say that I did not consume much. It was also the first time in a very, very long time that my brother and I were drinking together in the same vicinity. I met some new people last night, and re-met people that I had seen before (alcohol is the boon of first meetings).
Before we had gone to the party a few doors down, I relaxed and started to drink in my friend Ronnie's apartment. The entire place was jam picked with Indians, albeit with the exception of one Lebanese person, and one Mexican; I reflected, bemusedly, that I was in company that I thought I would never really feel wholly comfortable with when I came to UOP in 2007.
I had always thought it so cliche and stereotypical to only associate with one's own race; yet, a few years later, I find that my views have changed drastically. I had hung with a pretty diverse group of guys since freshman year (at least in regards to race, if not personality), but after some of us had gone our own separate ways, I find that I'm gravitating towards people just like me (not just in skin color, but just in tastes, traits, etc.). Its fascinating, too, considering that one of my other friends from the old gang also seems to undergone a shift that parallels much of what I've gone through, in that he's strengthening his friendships with people of the same nationality and faith as him.
Of course, just because I'm embracing my inner Indian side (and there's a touch of irony to that, considering how "whitewashed" orthodox Indians would find me to be), doesn't mean that I completely disregard my past friendships or tastes. My best friend at Pacific is still an Asian person, I still have Yellow Fever (albeit, its probably more latent now), etc.; still, its interesting how the human social animal can adapt to his environment.
Before we had gone to the party a few doors down, I relaxed and started to drink in my friend Ronnie's apartment. The entire place was jam picked with Indians, albeit with the exception of one Lebanese person, and one Mexican; I reflected, bemusedly, that I was in company that I thought I would never really feel wholly comfortable with when I came to UOP in 2007.
I had always thought it so cliche and stereotypical to only associate with one's own race; yet, a few years later, I find that my views have changed drastically. I had hung with a pretty diverse group of guys since freshman year (at least in regards to race, if not personality), but after some of us had gone our own separate ways, I find that I'm gravitating towards people just like me (not just in skin color, but just in tastes, traits, etc.). Its fascinating, too, considering that one of my other friends from the old gang also seems to undergone a shift that parallels much of what I've gone through, in that he's strengthening his friendships with people of the same nationality and faith as him.
Of course, just because I'm embracing my inner Indian side (and there's a touch of irony to that, considering how "whitewashed" orthodox Indians would find me to be), doesn't mean that I completely disregard my past friendships or tastes. My best friend at Pacific is still an Asian person, I still have Yellow Fever (albeit, its probably more latent now), etc.; still, its interesting how the human social animal can adapt to his environment.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Strength
"You have nothing, nothing to do, with all your strength."
The Joker
Today, I felt weak. Powerless. Impotent. I can lift hundreds of pounds, move weight that the average person would struggle with, and yet all my strength was for naught. Give it a label, I don't care, but it was a feeling of such utter helplessness that I vow to never again fall in that same state. Funny, how such feelings can come at the most bizarre times; the first time I felt like this today was in the library, the second, at a basketball game (which our team lost). I don't exactly care to deal with the specifics of each scenario; suffice to say, my skills were not adequate in either case to deal with the situation at hand. And, suffice to say, the better man took my spot in both cases, effectively replacing me.
Its odd, how these feelings are forcing me to re-examine myself. I realize that, for so long, I've been wanting to improve myself in certain aspects of my life, and yet I inevitably delay them...for what reason? I don't know. And in my hesitance, it will be the better man (and no, it can't be a woman because both these scenarios required a male) who will inevitably win.
Its time I start being the man I want to be.
The Joker
Today, I felt weak. Powerless. Impotent. I can lift hundreds of pounds, move weight that the average person would struggle with, and yet all my strength was for naught. Give it a label, I don't care, but it was a feeling of such utter helplessness that I vow to never again fall in that same state. Funny, how such feelings can come at the most bizarre times; the first time I felt like this today was in the library, the second, at a basketball game (which our team lost). I don't exactly care to deal with the specifics of each scenario; suffice to say, my skills were not adequate in either case to deal with the situation at hand. And, suffice to say, the better man took my spot in both cases, effectively replacing me.
Its odd, how these feelings are forcing me to re-examine myself. I realize that, for so long, I've been wanting to improve myself in certain aspects of my life, and yet I inevitably delay them...for what reason? I don't know. And in my hesitance, it will be the better man (and no, it can't be a woman because both these scenarios required a male) who will inevitably win.
Its time I start being the man I want to be.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Break
This year, Thanksgiving Break was short, although I suppose that was more my doing than anybody else's. A blur of a quick four days, it was filled with long nights out with friends, reminensces, and a dab of midnight epiphanies. Much of my time was split hanging out at night with some of my good friends. A memorable night in particular was Friday night; yesterday, I went to the Arden Fair Mall with Mike and Manpreet, two guys I've known since the early days of elementary school. Our drive to the mall was mostly filled with girl talk, although they dominated the discussion with their individual girl problems; me being the odd man out, all their problems were, to my unhindered heart and eye, easy to solve. Its funny, how detached I seemed from their problems, how little I truly I understood the pain they claimed they were going through; but, I admitted to them as much that I was ignorant about their relationship problems as they were of other aspects in life. I suppose its something I'll need to experience in order to understand.
When we arrived at the mall, we naturally went shopping; it was Black Friday, after all. After getting a sweater, we decided to stop by Macy's, while there, we were approached and stopped by a female customer representative in the cologne section. I immediately noticed the way she flirted with Manpreet, and I told the guys that I was gonna go somewhere else; Mike, of course, followed me. We watched from behind a clothing rack as Manpreet managed to get the number of the girl (although why I write girl when she was certainly older than us, I don't know); after he got the number, and cologne, I asked him why he did it. For the uninformed, Manpreet had an arranged marriage that has not been a month old yet; he looked me straight in the eye, and said "Jag, the game may have changed, but the player never does."
If I was to post something else concrete about break, I suppose I could break it down as follows: one Iron Gym pull-up bar bought, Batman: Arkham Asylum beaten for the PS3, 2-3 beers of Sierra Nevada drank, 4-6 shots of Patron, 1 Swisher smoked, and probably a scatter of other small details that escape my mind at the present. Suffice to say, this was certainly the fastest break I've ever experienced. Now, to just power through these next three weeks.
Oh yeah, and of course, lest I forget to mention it, I shaved the beard, too.
When we arrived at the mall, we naturally went shopping; it was Black Friday, after all. After getting a sweater, we decided to stop by Macy's, while there, we were approached and stopped by a female customer representative in the cologne section. I immediately noticed the way she flirted with Manpreet, and I told the guys that I was gonna go somewhere else; Mike, of course, followed me. We watched from behind a clothing rack as Manpreet managed to get the number of the girl (although why I write girl when she was certainly older than us, I don't know); after he got the number, and cologne, I asked him why he did it. For the uninformed, Manpreet had an arranged marriage that has not been a month old yet; he looked me straight in the eye, and said "Jag, the game may have changed, but the player never does."
If I was to post something else concrete about break, I suppose I could break it down as follows: one Iron Gym pull-up bar bought, Batman: Arkham Asylum beaten for the PS3, 2-3 beers of Sierra Nevada drank, 4-6 shots of Patron, 1 Swisher smoked, and probably a scatter of other small details that escape my mind at the present. Suffice to say, this was certainly the fastest break I've ever experienced. Now, to just power through these next three weeks.
Oh yeah, and of course, lest I forget to mention it, I shaved the beard, too.
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