On my drive back from Stockton today (a dentist appointment, unfortunately), with nothing but a dark and rainy environment and Radiohead to keep me company, I tried to wrap my around an interesting conundrum:
Do chains dictate a person's lack of freedom, or do they represent an even greater expression of freedom if they are worn willingly by the person?
Let me backtrack for a moment. Today, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. Upon further examination of my teeth, she tells me the obvious (I need braces, have been needing them for years, etc.). She gave me a pamphlet for a new way to adjust teeth called Invisirack; basically, some company tacks casts of your teeth, and then give individually-tailored, clear plastic racks that are placed like a second skin around the teeth and taken out during periods of eating, etc.
The price is $4500. A bit too high, I thought, and a sentiment also shared by my parents, considering that our insurance doesn't cover ortho work. I don't resent them for saying no, though; they've got far more important things to cover the cost of then a perfect smile and bite for me. Still, I try to make sense of that nagging thought that bothered me as I set off from Stockton, knowing that my parents would say no...do I wear my chains freely?
And do you see them?
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Race
Last night was an interesting night; it being a Friday, it involved copious amounts of alcohol, although I am proud to say that I did not consume much. It was also the first time in a very, very long time that my brother and I were drinking together in the same vicinity. I met some new people last night, and re-met people that I had seen before (alcohol is the boon of first meetings).
Before we had gone to the party a few doors down, I relaxed and started to drink in my friend Ronnie's apartment. The entire place was jam picked with Indians, albeit with the exception of one Lebanese person, and one Mexican; I reflected, bemusedly, that I was in company that I thought I would never really feel wholly comfortable with when I came to UOP in 2007.
I had always thought it so cliche and stereotypical to only associate with one's own race; yet, a few years later, I find that my views have changed drastically. I had hung with a pretty diverse group of guys since freshman year (at least in regards to race, if not personality), but after some of us had gone our own separate ways, I find that I'm gravitating towards people just like me (not just in skin color, but just in tastes, traits, etc.). Its fascinating, too, considering that one of my other friends from the old gang also seems to undergone a shift that parallels much of what I've gone through, in that he's strengthening his friendships with people of the same nationality and faith as him.
Of course, just because I'm embracing my inner Indian side (and there's a touch of irony to that, considering how "whitewashed" orthodox Indians would find me to be), doesn't mean that I completely disregard my past friendships or tastes. My best friend at Pacific is still an Asian person, I still have Yellow Fever (albeit, its probably more latent now), etc.; still, its interesting how the human social animal can adapt to his environment.
Before we had gone to the party a few doors down, I relaxed and started to drink in my friend Ronnie's apartment. The entire place was jam picked with Indians, albeit with the exception of one Lebanese person, and one Mexican; I reflected, bemusedly, that I was in company that I thought I would never really feel wholly comfortable with when I came to UOP in 2007.
I had always thought it so cliche and stereotypical to only associate with one's own race; yet, a few years later, I find that my views have changed drastically. I had hung with a pretty diverse group of guys since freshman year (at least in regards to race, if not personality), but after some of us had gone our own separate ways, I find that I'm gravitating towards people just like me (not just in skin color, but just in tastes, traits, etc.). Its fascinating, too, considering that one of my other friends from the old gang also seems to undergone a shift that parallels much of what I've gone through, in that he's strengthening his friendships with people of the same nationality and faith as him.
Of course, just because I'm embracing my inner Indian side (and there's a touch of irony to that, considering how "whitewashed" orthodox Indians would find me to be), doesn't mean that I completely disregard my past friendships or tastes. My best friend at Pacific is still an Asian person, I still have Yellow Fever (albeit, its probably more latent now), etc.; still, its interesting how the human social animal can adapt to his environment.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Strength
"You have nothing, nothing to do, with all your strength."
The Joker
Today, I felt weak. Powerless. Impotent. I can lift hundreds of pounds, move weight that the average person would struggle with, and yet all my strength was for naught. Give it a label, I don't care, but it was a feeling of such utter helplessness that I vow to never again fall in that same state. Funny, how such feelings can come at the most bizarre times; the first time I felt like this today was in the library, the second, at a basketball game (which our team lost). I don't exactly care to deal with the specifics of each scenario; suffice to say, my skills were not adequate in either case to deal with the situation at hand. And, suffice to say, the better man took my spot in both cases, effectively replacing me.
Its odd, how these feelings are forcing me to re-examine myself. I realize that, for so long, I've been wanting to improve myself in certain aspects of my life, and yet I inevitably delay them...for what reason? I don't know. And in my hesitance, it will be the better man (and no, it can't be a woman because both these scenarios required a male) who will inevitably win.
Its time I start being the man I want to be.
The Joker
Today, I felt weak. Powerless. Impotent. I can lift hundreds of pounds, move weight that the average person would struggle with, and yet all my strength was for naught. Give it a label, I don't care, but it was a feeling of such utter helplessness that I vow to never again fall in that same state. Funny, how such feelings can come at the most bizarre times; the first time I felt like this today was in the library, the second, at a basketball game (which our team lost). I don't exactly care to deal with the specifics of each scenario; suffice to say, my skills were not adequate in either case to deal with the situation at hand. And, suffice to say, the better man took my spot in both cases, effectively replacing me.
Its odd, how these feelings are forcing me to re-examine myself. I realize that, for so long, I've been wanting to improve myself in certain aspects of my life, and yet I inevitably delay them...for what reason? I don't know. And in my hesitance, it will be the better man (and no, it can't be a woman because both these scenarios required a male) who will inevitably win.
Its time I start being the man I want to be.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Break
This year, Thanksgiving Break was short, although I suppose that was more my doing than anybody else's. A blur of a quick four days, it was filled with long nights out with friends, reminensces, and a dab of midnight epiphanies. Much of my time was split hanging out at night with some of my good friends. A memorable night in particular was Friday night; yesterday, I went to the Arden Fair Mall with Mike and Manpreet, two guys I've known since the early days of elementary school. Our drive to the mall was mostly filled with girl talk, although they dominated the discussion with their individual girl problems; me being the odd man out, all their problems were, to my unhindered heart and eye, easy to solve. Its funny, how detached I seemed from their problems, how little I truly I understood the pain they claimed they were going through; but, I admitted to them as much that I was ignorant about their relationship problems as they were of other aspects in life. I suppose its something I'll need to experience in order to understand.
When we arrived at the mall, we naturally went shopping; it was Black Friday, after all. After getting a sweater, we decided to stop by Macy's, while there, we were approached and stopped by a female customer representative in the cologne section. I immediately noticed the way she flirted with Manpreet, and I told the guys that I was gonna go somewhere else; Mike, of course, followed me. We watched from behind a clothing rack as Manpreet managed to get the number of the girl (although why I write girl when she was certainly older than us, I don't know); after he got the number, and cologne, I asked him why he did it. For the uninformed, Manpreet had an arranged marriage that has not been a month old yet; he looked me straight in the eye, and said "Jag, the game may have changed, but the player never does."
If I was to post something else concrete about break, I suppose I could break it down as follows: one Iron Gym pull-up bar bought, Batman: Arkham Asylum beaten for the PS3, 2-3 beers of Sierra Nevada drank, 4-6 shots of Patron, 1 Swisher smoked, and probably a scatter of other small details that escape my mind at the present. Suffice to say, this was certainly the fastest break I've ever experienced. Now, to just power through these next three weeks.
Oh yeah, and of course, lest I forget to mention it, I shaved the beard, too.
When we arrived at the mall, we naturally went shopping; it was Black Friday, after all. After getting a sweater, we decided to stop by Macy's, while there, we were approached and stopped by a female customer representative in the cologne section. I immediately noticed the way she flirted with Manpreet, and I told the guys that I was gonna go somewhere else; Mike, of course, followed me. We watched from behind a clothing rack as Manpreet managed to get the number of the girl (although why I write girl when she was certainly older than us, I don't know); after he got the number, and cologne, I asked him why he did it. For the uninformed, Manpreet had an arranged marriage that has not been a month old yet; he looked me straight in the eye, and said "Jag, the game may have changed, but the player never does."
If I was to post something else concrete about break, I suppose I could break it down as follows: one Iron Gym pull-up bar bought, Batman: Arkham Asylum beaten for the PS3, 2-3 beers of Sierra Nevada drank, 4-6 shots of Patron, 1 Swisher smoked, and probably a scatter of other small details that escape my mind at the present. Suffice to say, this was certainly the fastest break I've ever experienced. Now, to just power through these next three weeks.
Oh yeah, and of course, lest I forget to mention it, I shaved the beard, too.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Tired
Its been a while since I've last wrote; more than two weeks, in fact. Well, oddly enough, not much has really happened within this time period. My mind, and body as well, are starting to wear down. I honestly don't know what is happening to me; I'm getting much more tired than I normally do; 8 hours of sleep makes me more tired than when I ran on 5.
In retrospect, it seemed as if I was more efficient last semester. Then, my back was against the wall; my schedule was tough, my semester off to a bad start with my trip to the drunk tank. Now, I've became terribly complacent; calculating my GPA shows me that I can slack off in my classes and still get into grad school. What became something that I could rely on to get me past bad tests has instead transformed itself into a roadblock that cripples my very desire to succeed.
I think, though, if I were to describe what I'm missing, is anger. Anger at myself, mostly, but a fury that ran like fire through my veins, and as I've been learning recently, a fury that kept me going throughout last semester. Now, I feel terribly burned out; I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite films, Blade Runner. "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long".
Thanksgiving Break can't come soon enough.
In retrospect, it seemed as if I was more efficient last semester. Then, my back was against the wall; my schedule was tough, my semester off to a bad start with my trip to the drunk tank. Now, I've became terribly complacent; calculating my GPA shows me that I can slack off in my classes and still get into grad school. What became something that I could rely on to get me past bad tests has instead transformed itself into a roadblock that cripples my very desire to succeed.
I think, though, if I were to describe what I'm missing, is anger. Anger at myself, mostly, but a fury that ran like fire through my veins, and as I've been learning recently, a fury that kept me going throughout last semester. Now, I feel terribly burned out; I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite films, Blade Runner. "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long".
Thanksgiving Break can't come soon enough.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Help
Its a funny thing, hubris. Or pride; call it what you want. Often times, its held up as a badge of virtue when its nothing more than a barrier. I'm starting to let go of that pride now, though, starting today. I arranged a meeting with my Anatomy professor (hopefully he'll check his e-mail) on Friday after my dismal performance on the second Anatomy test; and today, during basketball, I picked up some advice on how I played, how to improve, etc. I suppose being stubborn about some things can only get you so far before you decide that you need to change them.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Time
2 months since school has started. Strange...it feels as if only 2 weeks has passed instead. I really don't know what to write about right now (it actually me a few seconds to think about the last four words before the parantheses), but I had a feeling of talking to someone, or at least expressing myself in some capacity tonight.
So there.
So there.
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