Help

Its a funny thing, hubris. Or pride; call it what you want. Often times, its held up as a badge of virtue when its nothing more than a barrier. I'm starting to let go of that pride now, though, starting today. I arranged a meeting with my Anatomy professor (hopefully he'll check his e-mail) on Friday after my dismal performance on the second Anatomy test; and today, during basketball, I picked up some advice on how I played, how to improve, etc. I suppose being stubborn about some things can only get you so far before you decide that you need to change them.

Time

2 months since school has started. Strange...it feels as if only 2 weeks has passed instead. I really don't know what to write about right now (it actually me a few seconds to think about the last four words before the parantheses), but I had a feeling of talking to someone, or at least expressing myself in some capacity tonight.

So there.

Slump

Getting my second Physics 25 test back to me, I realized something: I'm in a slump. Slump, or funk, or whatever term seems right for you...my grades definitely don't reflect my desire. I mean, sure, I can blame the teacher for putting material on the test that he didn't talk about in class, or make up any other such reason to feel better about not doing well on the test, but in the end, it was simply...me that took the test, and didn't get the grade I wanted. Ah, well. Ironically enough, I ended up getting the same score on this test that I did on my last physics test. Its funny, though; doing bad on an exam rarely seems to phase me at all these days. Amazing what you can shrug off once you've gone through the worst of it.

Maybe I need someone to chea- I mean, pinch-hit for me.

Smiles

A lot can happen in a week, I’ve come to realize. Paul came this weekend, bringing with him a whole lotta money for a whole lotta booze. It was a fun weekend, one that went by far too quickly, unfortunately. But, like I said before, a LOT can happen within a week. I don’t know what it is that’s inspired me, but I’ve recently had a shift in my paradigm, in my way of thinking. Perhaps it was reading message board horror stories of guys in their late twenties who had yet to have any interaction with the opposite sex, or guys who broke out of their shells and became what they wanted to be; whatever the case may be, its inspired me to change my way of thinking. I think I’ve been riddled with self-doubt my whole life; after a while, it eats at you, and leaves a man little more than a hollow being who can’t find the good within his life.

No more.

I vowed that starting several days ago, and already its yielded remarkable results; I’m not so much as putting on a new face, as I am shedding an old skin, an unneeded and unwanted burden upon my frame. No more relying on other people to find my self-worth; already, I feel like a different, and better man. Its not my friendships or relationships with people that define me; its simple, wholly, me. What I’ve begun to realize is that you’ve got to be your own biggest cheerleader before anyone will ever join your team. After all, if you don’t believe in yourself, then who else will believe in you?

So, I’ve recently started smiling at random people; no longer do I want to project the image of a stone-cold bastard to people…I’ve had enough of that in my life, and quite frankly, its what led to that whole list of depression posts that yours truly presented to you for the last few months or so. Its actually interesting; I just had a conversation this morning with the coach of the Pacific Crew team this morning in the dining hall while waiting in line, and it was actually an interesting discussion. And don’t even get me started on the women; I really, really wanna kick the guy in the scrotum who told me I had to play it cool and ignore the girl to get them to want me. Its amazing what type of reactions you can get out of random girls, just by giving them a big smile (even if your grill is as messed up as mine); of course, if I had the testicular fortitude, I probably should have gone up to those girls who smiled back, played with their hair, and did all those cute little things that women do when they want your cock.

Alas, baby steps.

Everyday, I want to find a new reason to live; that’s my goal. Yesterday, I wanted to live long enough to be able to sky-dive; today, I want to live so that I can travel across Europe. And tomorrow? Who knows, but everyday is another opportunity to meet someone, another adventure, another way to appreciate something in life. Over the weekend, while drinking at a party at Sean, Eric, and Andrew’s place, I was in a drunken stupor, asking several people about happiness…and I realize it wasn’t happiness I was lacking, so much as self-worth and confidence. Those intangible things that money can never buy, or people can always take it if you give it to them…I realize now that I always had the power to have them. This feeling of value, of finally LIKING myself for what I am…it feels nice.

Limits

I think I have to curb my drinking. Last night, I can't remember what I did, or who I saw; I blacked out, once again. You thought I would have learned my lesson before, but....no, it seems as if I really didn't. I thought I could control how much I took in, but alas, it seems like my willpower just slips away in those moments. I don't seem to know my limits, I think, so I think I'm going to put my drinking on hiatus. I'm not going to say "Never again", and be at it...but I think I need some time to figure it all out.


EDIT: Scratch that. Well, Paul's coming this weekend, which will no doubt involve some form of MAD (mutually assured drinking). Soon, though...soon

Groups

Over the past few days, I've been noticing something. Not a particular trend, or pattern, or anything of the sort, but just the behavior people exhibit when in groups. Not really having much of a group that I really identify with anymore, I find it fascinating (although, you would probably just think its creepy) watching the interactions between myself and other people. People whom I can normally engage in one on one conversations with suddenly become cold and indifferent towards me when in the company of other people. I wonder; can other people's opinions about one person really shape the attitude of another person's feelings about that person?

Its an interesting phenomena. Its almost unconscious, in that the person I wanted to talk to is stuck between a rock and a hard place; its like he senses the undercurrent, or tension, and cuts it by ignoring the outsider. I find it both hilarious, and saddening, at the same time; hilarious, for we are all fools who don't address the problem at hand; saddening, with the knowledge that things can never truly be the same. If there's one thing I've learned about watching these dealings, its that people will always have a hierarchy to their friendships; and while I suspect that I'm at the top of very few, if any, of these pyramids, I still find it disheartening to know that so many memories and moments can be swept away, like tears in the rain.

But I guess that's change, then, isn't it? For good or for ill, something happens, somebody else remembers it, and we all end up moving on.

I just wish change wasn't so damn lonely.

New Meetings

Over the weekend, I had the chance to go home. Looking back at some of the pictures taken of the various activities by some of my friends over the weekend, I kind of wish I hadn't. On the other hand, I did meet my cousin, whom I haven't met in over two years! She just finished med school in Buffalo, and got a temporary assignment in Sacramento. But I truly am glad that I got to go home; its in her, really, that I think I've finally found a kindred, albeit older, spirit. So, I'm glad that this weekend, while not academically productive (read: understatement), was very spiritually uplifting.

On the flip side, I'm kind of saddened that I didn't get to see Paul (or Thinh) over the weekend. Staying in contact over Facebook isn't really the same as seeing somebody in person, ya know? Well, my friend's bachelor party is gonna be in San Fran next month, so maybe I'll be able to stop by and see him?...If I'm not super wasted, that is.

Oh yeah, I also watched (500) Days of Summer. If ever there was a romance movie that I genuinely liked, it would be that one. Do yourself a favor, dear reader(s), and watch it; you'll be doing yourself a favor.

Until next time, I suppose.