Alone

This week has been a rather interesting one. Failing to get a bid from Kappa Psi, a pharmacy fraternity with whom I had a desire to pledge to only because of a promise to Skott, I realize that I prefer being alone. Moreover, I also learned the real reason of me being denied a bid was because of all the crap I've talked about KY over the past years, and up to the time I was at their rush dinner. I can't say that I'm surprised; I'm more amused, actually. But, there have been some positive side-effects from this rejection; already, I feel more focused and energized by this rejection by KY than I have this entire semester, where I felt like a burned-out husk at the semester's onset; now, now more than ever, I feel ready to tackle my schoolwork and finish strong.

I find that my life is, unfortunately, starting to mimic my brother's, as time slowly passes on. Is that what history is, a series of cycles? I realize, now, that my reasons for wanting to join KY, while mostly unselfish, were not very intelligent at all. I didn't join them for their brotherhood, but rather, as an additional way to build upon the friendships I already had with people.

Yet, I am rather glad that I've earned the enmity of a whole organization. I feel free, now; in case Skott decides to rush for them again in the near future, I know that I won't, or can't, even have a chance to join them. Its funny, really, how a lot of the bad events in my life are more like blessings in disguise; but alas, I guess the optimist in me wants to see something good about pissing off the group that "runs pharm school", as some people have so eloquently pointed out to me. Most of the people I've respected in pharm school don't belong to any fraternity, so I don't feel bad knowing that I'd be in that type of company.

I also have to admit that I've always been somewhat of a loner, too. I think I can make friends and talk to people; I may seem somewhat arrogant here, but I hardly consider myself to be a social outcast, regardless of how many bridges I may be burning and building with people at UOP. Yet, more and more, I'm starting to see the power that can be found in solitude.

21

Its my birthday today. Hmmm...I don't know how to feel towards it, really. On the one hand, I'm quite grateful that this night isn't turning out to be a repeat of last year, where I inevitably landed in jail. Around this time...hell, I don't even remember what happened this time last year because I was drunk off my ass. On the other hand, I feel quite unsatisfied that I'm NOT drunk off my ass; our culture associates the 21st birthday as a celebration that requires the birthday boy (or girl) to drown their night out with lots, and lots, of alcohol.

Still, who wants to drink on a Sunday?

Betrayal

I just betrayed a friend. A dear friend, a brother to me in so many ways...and I've sold him out. The situation is more complex than that, but when it boils down to it...I've betrayed somebody's trust.

And it was the best decision I could have made.

Resolutions

The first post of the New Year. Of the new decade, even. Looking back at this past year (and ten years), and all the ups and downs that I've experienced...its mesmerizing, really; that a person could experience all this, could change so much, and yet have so much more to live and change still. Of friendships born, and friendships ended; of victories gained, and defeats suffered; of joy, of sorrows, and everything in-between.

Twenty (and soon to be twenty-one, with all the fun that entails), I'm in the prime of my youth, yet ready to see so much more. So...a new year. A new decade. Time to wipe the slate clean. Anything is possible, all boundaries have been lifted.

Time to start this next set of ten years with a bang.

Conundrum

On my drive back from Stockton today (a dentist appointment, unfortunately), with nothing but a dark and rainy environment and Radiohead to keep me company, I tried to wrap my around an interesting conundrum:

Do chains dictate a person's lack of freedom, or do they represent an even greater expression of freedom if they are worn willingly by the person?

Let me backtrack for a moment. Today, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. Upon further examination of my teeth, she tells me the obvious (I need braces, have been needing them for years, etc.). She gave me a pamphlet for a new way to adjust teeth called Invisirack; basically, some company tacks casts of your teeth, and then give individually-tailored, clear plastic racks that are placed like a second skin around the teeth and taken out during periods of eating, etc.

The price is $4500. A bit too high, I thought, and a sentiment also shared by my parents, considering that our insurance doesn't cover ortho work. I don't resent them for saying no, though; they've got far more important things to cover the cost of then a perfect smile and bite for me. Still, I try to make sense of that nagging thought that bothered me as I set off from Stockton, knowing that my parents would say no...do I wear my chains freely?

And do you see them?

Race

Last night was an interesting night; it being a Friday, it involved copious amounts of alcohol, although I am proud to say that I did not consume much. It was also the first time in a very, very long time that my brother and I were drinking together in the same vicinity. I met some new people last night, and re-met people that I had seen before (alcohol is the boon of first meetings).

Before we had gone to the party a few doors down, I relaxed and started to drink in my friend Ronnie's apartment. The entire place was jam picked with Indians, albeit with the exception of one Lebanese person, and one Mexican; I reflected, bemusedly, that I was in company that I thought I would never really feel wholly comfortable with when I came to UOP in 2007.

I had always thought it so cliche and stereotypical to only associate with one's own race; yet, a few years later, I find that my views have changed drastically. I had hung with a pretty diverse group of guys since freshman year (at least in regards to race, if not personality), but after some of us had gone our own separate ways, I find that I'm gravitating towards people just like me (not just in skin color, but just in tastes, traits, etc.). Its fascinating, too, considering that one of my other friends from the old gang also seems to undergone a shift that parallels much of what I've gone through, in that he's strengthening his friendships with people of the same nationality and faith as him.

Of course, just because I'm embracing my inner Indian side (and there's a touch of irony to that, considering how "whitewashed" orthodox Indians would find me to be), doesn't mean that I completely disregard my past friendships or tastes. My best friend at Pacific is still an Asian person, I still have Yellow Fever (albeit, its probably more latent now), etc.; still, its interesting how the human social animal can adapt to his environment.

Strength

"You have nothing, nothing to do, with all your strength."

The Joker


Today, I felt weak. Powerless. Impotent. I can lift hundreds of pounds, move weight that the average person would struggle with, and yet all my strength was for naught. Give it a label, I don't care, but it was a feeling of such utter helplessness that I vow to never again fall in that same state. Funny, how such feelings can come at the most bizarre times; the first time I felt like this today was in the library, the second, at a basketball game (which our team lost). I don't exactly care to deal with the specifics of each scenario; suffice to say, my skills were not adequate in either case to deal with the situation at hand. And, suffice to say, the better man took my spot in both cases, effectively replacing me.

Its odd, how these feelings are forcing me to re-examine myself. I realize that, for so long, I've been wanting to improve myself in certain aspects of my life, and yet I inevitably delay them...for what reason? I don't know. And in my hesitance, it will be the better man (and no, it can't be a woman because both these scenarios required a male) who will inevitably win.

Its time I start being the man I want to be.