No Time Like the Present

I fucking hate New Year's resolutions.

With that said, I do have a few resolutions I'd like to make myself. Maybe I'm cheating myself by doing it a few weeks before New Year's, but I do have some important goals that I want to outline for this next year. I was actually thinking about putting in some 5 year goals, but that seemed more Stalin than Jag to me...so, with that being said, here's some things I want to do starting today:

1) Watch at least 1 new movie per week
2) Read at least 1 book (new or old) per month
3) Try and learn a second language, and NOT half-assedly
4) Blog at least once a week


Gonna try and make my life more exciting this next decade than it was the last decade. With that being said...
I'm gonna have to fuck everything that I've said in the last year and a half on this blog. No more bad memories, no more whining, no more genuflecting on the past. No time like the present to live for the future.

An Oath

Today is my father's birthday. He's turning 62. And so today, I swear to him, to make up for all the lies and transgressions and every broken promise to him, for his utter faith in me even in the face of my faithlessness...I swear to never again touch the demon drink. For him.

Happy birthday dad.

The End

Less than 90 days of summer.

GO!

Last Hurrah

Finals are coming up, and with them, a rather looming sense of finality. So many things coming to a head; it feels rather like putting the last words in this chapter of my life. I'll probably write more about this later, as I have my Physio final to study for right now (whilst watching The Dark Knight), but I'll know is that there is so much ready to come.

Failure

“Don't be afraid to fail. Don't waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It's OK to fail. If you're not failing, you're not growing.”

Failure is an interesting notion. I am currently experiencing failure right now, in multiple aspects of my life. Be it to my weight loss, my vow to give up alcohol until graduation, or my attempts to get off Swagger Island (more on this later), I have been failing spectacularly in all these different parts of my life, and more.

I'm trying to find out why.

My weight loss has come to a grinding halt. I can probably attribute this to my uneven diet, which also ties into my recent use of alcohol. Yesterday, I drank enough to become a very rude, very obnoxious drunk; I was, of course, promptly kicked out of the club that I was attending last night, and I was also treated to a fantastic hangover this morning as well. Finally, Swagger Island is a nickname for any and all interactions I have with the opposite sex; I think I've been awarded far too many negative points in the past week than is humanely possible, but I find that time and again, I find ways to outdo myself.

Yes, I have failed. Yes, I will continue to fail. The question is, then, do I learn from it, or do I continue to do nothing about it?

Sleep

"Fatigue is the best pillow."

Benjamin Franklin

This week has certainly been an odd when, especially when it comes to sleep. It seems that I'm being plagued by insomnia, although I feel so very, very tired. Sleep is starting to become a scarcity for me now; my naps that would come to me easily are disrupted by my bladder, by nightmares, or by the unevenness of my internal clock. I used to relish lying down and hitting the bed, feeling the day's events wash over me and carry me into sleep; now, I lay in bed, staring at a ceiling painted in the harsh blue glare of my alarm clock.

Speaking of which, my alarm clock failed me on Friday, although my bladder certainly didn't. Setting the clock to 6 AM, I figured that I'd have over an hour to review and to prepare for my third Biochem test. What I didn't factor in was me not listening to my alarm clock, or not having set it all; thus, I ended up waking up at the start of the exam, rather than an hour before it.

Now, I certainly did panic when I awoke at 7:30 and realized I was still in bed. But, before I ran in my flip flops all the way down to the Bio building, I thought. I relaxed. I took a piss, shotgunned a container of cottage cheese and a bottle of water, and prepared myself for the test, physically if not mentally. It was comforting, actually, not feeling an intensive wave of dread at the thought of the test's difficulty (which was hard, no doubt about that), but rather, at the idea that I was late.

Its nice to know that I can still keep my cool in a situation like that. Maybe it was that extra bit of sleep that did the trick.

Forge

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."

James Anthony Froude

Recently, I've come to the conclusion that there's a lot of things I'd like to do, but I simply cannot do them. Some, for example, are infinitely out of my reach at the moment (i.e. backpacking across Europe), due to the twin issues of time and money. Others are rather easily to undertake, but given my laziness, have essentially gone unattended (i.e. learning how to cook).

So, I endeavor now to spend every day learning something new, and learning to talk to new people. I've realized that I've withdrawn into my own comfort zone, and it would be pretty damn egotistical of me to assume that I'm the only one facing this problem. Comfort zones are tricky areas to navigate, but then, life's too short to be wondering about how something actually is, instead of actually experiencing it.

I'll try and keep a record of this by updating my blog with more than just musings, feelings, and rantings. And I'll try doing it more than twice a month, too.

Nostalgia

A year's passed since the inception of this blog; more than a year, in fact. Yet I'm not treating it as a momentous occasion, a reason to celebrate and reflect upon my reflections. On the contrary, I'm skimming the contents of this blog with a somewhat warranted, somewhat justified amount of contempt.

Nostalgia; funny how I can only look back at some of these posts, and only see a vast history of weakness. I suppose hindsight is 20/20, after all, and I never truly had my Xanga/Myspace/Blog of teenage-angst-phase until college. Call me a late bloomer, if you will.

Nostalgia is a tricky emotion indeed. Its both sad and joyful, mournful yet celebratory; I think nostalgia has to be the most two-sided feeling ever. And coming to the end of the road that is my undergrad years, I feel a sudden amount of nostalgia.

Of memories gone and faded forever. Of flickers from the past that burst clarity into my brain, that bring smile or frown on my face. Right now I'm listening to Everything In Its Right Place, a song that I once dedicated an entry to. Rather, it is a remix of the song; old, yet new. Carrying the same words, lyrics, yet an entirely different pace and tempo. An entirely new song, yet at its fundamental core, the same hypnotic melody that took my mind to so many different places.

Ah, nostalgia. You're starting to get me misty-eyed.

Alone

This week has been a rather interesting one. Failing to get a bid from Kappa Psi, a pharmacy fraternity with whom I had a desire to pledge to only because of a promise to Skott, I realize that I prefer being alone. Moreover, I also learned the real reason of me being denied a bid was because of all the crap I've talked about KY over the past years, and up to the time I was at their rush dinner. I can't say that I'm surprised; I'm more amused, actually. But, there have been some positive side-effects from this rejection; already, I feel more focused and energized by this rejection by KY than I have this entire semester, where I felt like a burned-out husk at the semester's onset; now, now more than ever, I feel ready to tackle my schoolwork and finish strong.

I find that my life is, unfortunately, starting to mimic my brother's, as time slowly passes on. Is that what history is, a series of cycles? I realize, now, that my reasons for wanting to join KY, while mostly unselfish, were not very intelligent at all. I didn't join them for their brotherhood, but rather, as an additional way to build upon the friendships I already had with people.

Yet, I am rather glad that I've earned the enmity of a whole organization. I feel free, now; in case Skott decides to rush for them again in the near future, I know that I won't, or can't, even have a chance to join them. Its funny, really, how a lot of the bad events in my life are more like blessings in disguise; but alas, I guess the optimist in me wants to see something good about pissing off the group that "runs pharm school", as some people have so eloquently pointed out to me. Most of the people I've respected in pharm school don't belong to any fraternity, so I don't feel bad knowing that I'd be in that type of company.

I also have to admit that I've always been somewhat of a loner, too. I think I can make friends and talk to people; I may seem somewhat arrogant here, but I hardly consider myself to be a social outcast, regardless of how many bridges I may be burning and building with people at UOP. Yet, more and more, I'm starting to see the power that can be found in solitude.

21

Its my birthday today. Hmmm...I don't know how to feel towards it, really. On the one hand, I'm quite grateful that this night isn't turning out to be a repeat of last year, where I inevitably landed in jail. Around this time...hell, I don't even remember what happened this time last year because I was drunk off my ass. On the other hand, I feel quite unsatisfied that I'm NOT drunk off my ass; our culture associates the 21st birthday as a celebration that requires the birthday boy (or girl) to drown their night out with lots, and lots, of alcohol.

Still, who wants to drink on a Sunday?

Betrayal

I just betrayed a friend. A dear friend, a brother to me in so many ways...and I've sold him out. The situation is more complex than that, but when it boils down to it...I've betrayed somebody's trust.

And it was the best decision I could have made.

Resolutions

The first post of the New Year. Of the new decade, even. Looking back at this past year (and ten years), and all the ups and downs that I've experienced...its mesmerizing, really; that a person could experience all this, could change so much, and yet have so much more to live and change still. Of friendships born, and friendships ended; of victories gained, and defeats suffered; of joy, of sorrows, and everything in-between.

Twenty (and soon to be twenty-one, with all the fun that entails), I'm in the prime of my youth, yet ready to see so much more. So...a new year. A new decade. Time to wipe the slate clean. Anything is possible, all boundaries have been lifted.

Time to start this next set of ten years with a bang.

Conundrum

On my drive back from Stockton today (a dentist appointment, unfortunately), with nothing but a dark and rainy environment and Radiohead to keep me company, I tried to wrap my around an interesting conundrum:

Do chains dictate a person's lack of freedom, or do they represent an even greater expression of freedom if they are worn willingly by the person?

Let me backtrack for a moment. Today, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. Upon further examination of my teeth, she tells me the obvious (I need braces, have been needing them for years, etc.). She gave me a pamphlet for a new way to adjust teeth called Invisirack; basically, some company tacks casts of your teeth, and then give individually-tailored, clear plastic racks that are placed like a second skin around the teeth and taken out during periods of eating, etc.

The price is $4500. A bit too high, I thought, and a sentiment also shared by my parents, considering that our insurance doesn't cover ortho work. I don't resent them for saying no, though; they've got far more important things to cover the cost of then a perfect smile and bite for me. Still, I try to make sense of that nagging thought that bothered me as I set off from Stockton, knowing that my parents would say no...do I wear my chains freely?

And do you see them?

Race

Last night was an interesting night; it being a Friday, it involved copious amounts of alcohol, although I am proud to say that I did not consume much. It was also the first time in a very, very long time that my brother and I were drinking together in the same vicinity. I met some new people last night, and re-met people that I had seen before (alcohol is the boon of first meetings).

Before we had gone to the party a few doors down, I relaxed and started to drink in my friend Ronnie's apartment. The entire place was jam picked with Indians, albeit with the exception of one Lebanese person, and one Mexican; I reflected, bemusedly, that I was in company that I thought I would never really feel wholly comfortable with when I came to UOP in 2007.

I had always thought it so cliche and stereotypical to only associate with one's own race; yet, a few years later, I find that my views have changed drastically. I had hung with a pretty diverse group of guys since freshman year (at least in regards to race, if not personality), but after some of us had gone our own separate ways, I find that I'm gravitating towards people just like me (not just in skin color, but just in tastes, traits, etc.). Its fascinating, too, considering that one of my other friends from the old gang also seems to undergone a shift that parallels much of what I've gone through, in that he's strengthening his friendships with people of the same nationality and faith as him.

Of course, just because I'm embracing my inner Indian side (and there's a touch of irony to that, considering how "whitewashed" orthodox Indians would find me to be), doesn't mean that I completely disregard my past friendships or tastes. My best friend at Pacific is still an Asian person, I still have Yellow Fever (albeit, its probably more latent now), etc.; still, its interesting how the human social animal can adapt to his environment.

Strength

"You have nothing, nothing to do, with all your strength."

The Joker


Today, I felt weak. Powerless. Impotent. I can lift hundreds of pounds, move weight that the average person would struggle with, and yet all my strength was for naught. Give it a label, I don't care, but it was a feeling of such utter helplessness that I vow to never again fall in that same state. Funny, how such feelings can come at the most bizarre times; the first time I felt like this today was in the library, the second, at a basketball game (which our team lost). I don't exactly care to deal with the specifics of each scenario; suffice to say, my skills were not adequate in either case to deal with the situation at hand. And, suffice to say, the better man took my spot in both cases, effectively replacing me.

Its odd, how these feelings are forcing me to re-examine myself. I realize that, for so long, I've been wanting to improve myself in certain aspects of my life, and yet I inevitably delay them...for what reason? I don't know. And in my hesitance, it will be the better man (and no, it can't be a woman because both these scenarios required a male) who will inevitably win.

Its time I start being the man I want to be.

Break

This year, Thanksgiving Break was short, although I suppose that was more my doing than anybody else's. A blur of a quick four days, it was filled with long nights out with friends, reminensces, and a dab of midnight epiphanies. Much of my time was split hanging out at night with some of my good friends. A memorable night in particular was Friday night; yesterday, I went to the Arden Fair Mall with Mike and Manpreet, two guys I've known since the early days of elementary school. Our drive to the mall was mostly filled with girl talk, although they dominated the discussion with their individual girl problems; me being the odd man out, all their problems were, to my unhindered heart and eye, easy to solve. Its funny, how detached I seemed from their problems, how little I truly I understood the pain they claimed they were going through; but, I admitted to them as much that I was ignorant about their relationship problems as they were of other aspects in life. I suppose its something I'll need to experience in order to understand.

When we arrived at the mall, we naturally went shopping; it was Black Friday, after all. After getting a sweater, we decided to stop by Macy's, while there, we were approached and stopped by a female customer representative in the cologne section. I immediately noticed the way she flirted with Manpreet, and I told the guys that I was gonna go somewhere else; Mike, of course, followed me. We watched from behind a clothing rack as Manpreet managed to get the number of the girl (although why I write girl when she was certainly older than us, I don't know); after he got the number, and cologne, I asked him why he did it. For the uninformed, Manpreet had an arranged marriage that has not been a month old yet; he looked me straight in the eye, and said "Jag, the game may have changed, but the player never does."

If I was to post something else concrete about break, I suppose I could break it down as follows: one Iron Gym pull-up bar bought, Batman: Arkham Asylum beaten for the PS3, 2-3 beers of Sierra Nevada drank, 4-6 shots of Patron, 1 Swisher smoked, and probably a scatter of other small details that escape my mind at the present. Suffice to say, this was certainly the fastest break I've ever experienced. Now, to just power through these next three weeks.

Oh yeah, and of course, lest I forget to mention it, I shaved the beard, too.

Tired

Its been a while since I've last wrote; more than two weeks, in fact. Well, oddly enough, not much has really happened within this time period. My mind, and body as well, are starting to wear down. I honestly don't know what is happening to me; I'm getting much more tired than I normally do; 8 hours of sleep makes me more tired than when I ran on 5.

In retrospect, it seemed as if I was more efficient last semester. Then, my back was against the wall; my schedule was tough, my semester off to a bad start with my trip to the drunk tank. Now, I've became terribly complacent; calculating my GPA shows me that I can slack off in my classes and still get into grad school. What became something that I could rely on to get me past bad tests has instead transformed itself into a roadblock that cripples my very desire to succeed.

I think, though, if I were to describe what I'm missing, is anger. Anger at myself, mostly, but a fury that ran like fire through my veins, and as I've been learning recently, a fury that kept me going throughout last semester. Now, I feel terribly burned out; I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite films, Blade Runner. "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long".

Thanksgiving Break can't come soon enough.

Help

Its a funny thing, hubris. Or pride; call it what you want. Often times, its held up as a badge of virtue when its nothing more than a barrier. I'm starting to let go of that pride now, though, starting today. I arranged a meeting with my Anatomy professor (hopefully he'll check his e-mail) on Friday after my dismal performance on the second Anatomy test; and today, during basketball, I picked up some advice on how I played, how to improve, etc. I suppose being stubborn about some things can only get you so far before you decide that you need to change them.

Time

2 months since school has started. Strange...it feels as if only 2 weeks has passed instead. I really don't know what to write about right now (it actually me a few seconds to think about the last four words before the parantheses), but I had a feeling of talking to someone, or at least expressing myself in some capacity tonight.

So there.

Slump

Getting my second Physics 25 test back to me, I realized something: I'm in a slump. Slump, or funk, or whatever term seems right for you...my grades definitely don't reflect my desire. I mean, sure, I can blame the teacher for putting material on the test that he didn't talk about in class, or make up any other such reason to feel better about not doing well on the test, but in the end, it was simply...me that took the test, and didn't get the grade I wanted. Ah, well. Ironically enough, I ended up getting the same score on this test that I did on my last physics test. Its funny, though; doing bad on an exam rarely seems to phase me at all these days. Amazing what you can shrug off once you've gone through the worst of it.

Maybe I need someone to chea- I mean, pinch-hit for me.