Insomnia, leading to the Trap of Childhood.

Less than two weeks left until school begins, and I have the sleeping pattern of a coke addict.

Shit.

I apologize if the following sounds like some sort of Xenga by way of Myspace blog you've stumbled upon, but I assure you, my whining will by winding woefully soon.

I don't usually write on consecutive days, and I suspect that I'll have less time during the school year. Unfortunately, it seems that I tend to write when I am impassioned about some injustice; in other words, when I'm complaining like a teenager. After my post yesterday, I actually had a heart to heart talk with my brother about my misguided anger; he soaked it up, and when he responded, he was rather succinct and to the point: "Look man, have some fucking balls. You don't sit around waiting for other people to clean your own mess. Stop bitching, and man up. If you want something, you go out there and get it. Maybe Mom and Dad do favor me, maybe they don't; it doesn't matter, because in the end its your life. You can sit around waiting for what you want, but don't count on it."

Not exactly verbatim, but all the same, it struck as me as brutally honest. I can sit around blaming my parents all I want on a blog, but the fact of the matter is that its only me that can change their perceptions. I've finally realized something about myself; I am probably passive aggressive. I wouldn't exactly call myself a psychiatrist, but if Wikipedia is anything to go by, then that mental disorder would probably most fit the bill for me. I've never been totally honest with myself, which is a damn shame, because if there's one person who you need not lie to, it'd be yourself. But its the truth; I'm so willing to let my life be dictated by others, and then feel like I have no control over it so I don't have the burden of being responsible for myself. That doesn't exactly mean I'm gonna walk around with a shit-eating grin on my face every day, but I do think I need to start acting my age. And grow a pair, while I'm at it.

Ironic, I think. Whining today about what I wrote yesterday. But if there seems to be any guiding principle in life, at least from what I've seen, heard, and experienced, its irony.

Reading one of my favorite books over the summer, Traitor, I find myself in an amusingly similar situation. Of course, there are some, ah, vast differences (the main character is being tortured in a POW camp), but all the same, the similarities that are there are strikingly similar. In that book, the main character is tortured for the sole purpose of being broken and re-programmed as a spy; one his torturers is empathetic to his cause, and tries to make him stronger through his pain. She gives him a lesson, an analogy that spans nearly a chapter but gives him the revelation he needs to survive; likewise, his revelation was mine. And it was this.

Alone. Alone, but not helpless. Being alone does not mean being helpless; and it is here, where the protagonist realizes that he must escape the trap of childhood. The trap of waiting for someone else to come and save him; he realizes that only he can get himself out of there, out of that torture, and the only way to do that is to become stronger than his pain. Reading that passage again, it struck me just how much I connected with the main character as a result of his struggle. I need to free myself from the trap of childhood, of waiting for my parents to know what type of person I am, to have some sort of epiphany about me, of waiting for someone else to find me.

I've heard one definition of crazy as being someone who does the same thing over and over, expecting a different result each time. By that standard, I'm a goddamn lunatic.

It seems kinda funny to me that I've done a quick 180 in less than a scant 24 hours. But I suppose writing something, and reading what you've wrote are two different things, giving two different responses. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this whole damn thing; who knows?

But before you see (hopefully) the end of my emo side, I'd like to say thanks to Doo Lim; your kind words are greatly appreciated, my friend. I'm glad to know that my words aren't falling on deaf ears.

And that's a wrap, folks. Now, I really, really need to start studying again for my GMAT. Its amazing how seductive blogging can be when faced with the prospect of studying this late (or early?) into the day. G'night!