Break

This year, Thanksgiving Break was short, although I suppose that was more my doing than anybody else's. A blur of a quick four days, it was filled with long nights out with friends, reminensces, and a dab of midnight epiphanies. Much of my time was split hanging out at night with some of my good friends. A memorable night in particular was Friday night; yesterday, I went to the Arden Fair Mall with Mike and Manpreet, two guys I've known since the early days of elementary school. Our drive to the mall was mostly filled with girl talk, although they dominated the discussion with their individual girl problems; me being the odd man out, all their problems were, to my unhindered heart and eye, easy to solve. Its funny, how detached I seemed from their problems, how little I truly I understood the pain they claimed they were going through; but, I admitted to them as much that I was ignorant about their relationship problems as they were of other aspects in life. I suppose its something I'll need to experience in order to understand.

When we arrived at the mall, we naturally went shopping; it was Black Friday, after all. After getting a sweater, we decided to stop by Macy's, while there, we were approached and stopped by a female customer representative in the cologne section. I immediately noticed the way she flirted with Manpreet, and I told the guys that I was gonna go somewhere else; Mike, of course, followed me. We watched from behind a clothing rack as Manpreet managed to get the number of the girl (although why I write girl when she was certainly older than us, I don't know); after he got the number, and cologne, I asked him why he did it. For the uninformed, Manpreet had an arranged marriage that has not been a month old yet; he looked me straight in the eye, and said "Jag, the game may have changed, but the player never does."

If I was to post something else concrete about break, I suppose I could break it down as follows: one Iron Gym pull-up bar bought, Batman: Arkham Asylum beaten for the PS3, 2-3 beers of Sierra Nevada drank, 4-6 shots of Patron, 1 Swisher smoked, and probably a scatter of other small details that escape my mind at the present. Suffice to say, this was certainly the fastest break I've ever experienced. Now, to just power through these next three weeks.

Oh yeah, and of course, lest I forget to mention it, I shaved the beard, too.

Tired

Its been a while since I've last wrote; more than two weeks, in fact. Well, oddly enough, not much has really happened within this time period. My mind, and body as well, are starting to wear down. I honestly don't know what is happening to me; I'm getting much more tired than I normally do; 8 hours of sleep makes me more tired than when I ran on 5.

In retrospect, it seemed as if I was more efficient last semester. Then, my back was against the wall; my schedule was tough, my semester off to a bad start with my trip to the drunk tank. Now, I've became terribly complacent; calculating my GPA shows me that I can slack off in my classes and still get into grad school. What became something that I could rely on to get me past bad tests has instead transformed itself into a roadblock that cripples my very desire to succeed.

I think, though, if I were to describe what I'm missing, is anger. Anger at myself, mostly, but a fury that ran like fire through my veins, and as I've been learning recently, a fury that kept me going throughout last semester. Now, I feel terribly burned out; I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite films, Blade Runner. "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long".

Thanksgiving Break can't come soon enough.

Help

Its a funny thing, hubris. Or pride; call it what you want. Often times, its held up as a badge of virtue when its nothing more than a barrier. I'm starting to let go of that pride now, though, starting today. I arranged a meeting with my Anatomy professor (hopefully he'll check his e-mail) on Friday after my dismal performance on the second Anatomy test; and today, during basketball, I picked up some advice on how I played, how to improve, etc. I suppose being stubborn about some things can only get you so far before you decide that you need to change them.

Time

2 months since school has started. Strange...it feels as if only 2 weeks has passed instead. I really don't know what to write about right now (it actually me a few seconds to think about the last four words before the parantheses), but I had a feeling of talking to someone, or at least expressing myself in some capacity tonight.

So there.

Slump

Getting my second Physics 25 test back to me, I realized something: I'm in a slump. Slump, or funk, or whatever term seems right for you...my grades definitely don't reflect my desire. I mean, sure, I can blame the teacher for putting material on the test that he didn't talk about in class, or make up any other such reason to feel better about not doing well on the test, but in the end, it was simply...me that took the test, and didn't get the grade I wanted. Ah, well. Ironically enough, I ended up getting the same score on this test that I did on my last physics test. Its funny, though; doing bad on an exam rarely seems to phase me at all these days. Amazing what you can shrug off once you've gone through the worst of it.

Maybe I need someone to chea- I mean, pinch-hit for me.

Smiles

A lot can happen in a week, I’ve come to realize. Paul came this weekend, bringing with him a whole lotta money for a whole lotta booze. It was a fun weekend, one that went by far too quickly, unfortunately. But, like I said before, a LOT can happen within a week. I don’t know what it is that’s inspired me, but I’ve recently had a shift in my paradigm, in my way of thinking. Perhaps it was reading message board horror stories of guys in their late twenties who had yet to have any interaction with the opposite sex, or guys who broke out of their shells and became what they wanted to be; whatever the case may be, its inspired me to change my way of thinking. I think I’ve been riddled with self-doubt my whole life; after a while, it eats at you, and leaves a man little more than a hollow being who can’t find the good within his life.

No more.

I vowed that starting several days ago, and already its yielded remarkable results; I’m not so much as putting on a new face, as I am shedding an old skin, an unneeded and unwanted burden upon my frame. No more relying on other people to find my self-worth; already, I feel like a different, and better man. Its not my friendships or relationships with people that define me; its simple, wholly, me. What I’ve begun to realize is that you’ve got to be your own biggest cheerleader before anyone will ever join your team. After all, if you don’t believe in yourself, then who else will believe in you?

So, I’ve recently started smiling at random people; no longer do I want to project the image of a stone-cold bastard to people…I’ve had enough of that in my life, and quite frankly, its what led to that whole list of depression posts that yours truly presented to you for the last few months or so. Its actually interesting; I just had a conversation this morning with the coach of the Pacific Crew team this morning in the dining hall while waiting in line, and it was actually an interesting discussion. And don’t even get me started on the women; I really, really wanna kick the guy in the scrotum who told me I had to play it cool and ignore the girl to get them to want me. Its amazing what type of reactions you can get out of random girls, just by giving them a big smile (even if your grill is as messed up as mine); of course, if I had the testicular fortitude, I probably should have gone up to those girls who smiled back, played with their hair, and did all those cute little things that women do when they want your cock.

Alas, baby steps.

Everyday, I want to find a new reason to live; that’s my goal. Yesterday, I wanted to live long enough to be able to sky-dive; today, I want to live so that I can travel across Europe. And tomorrow? Who knows, but everyday is another opportunity to meet someone, another adventure, another way to appreciate something in life. Over the weekend, while drinking at a party at Sean, Eric, and Andrew’s place, I was in a drunken stupor, asking several people about happiness…and I realize it wasn’t happiness I was lacking, so much as self-worth and confidence. Those intangible things that money can never buy, or people can always take it if you give it to them…I realize now that I always had the power to have them. This feeling of value, of finally LIKING myself for what I am…it feels nice.

Limits

I think I have to curb my drinking. Last night, I can't remember what I did, or who I saw; I blacked out, once again. You thought I would have learned my lesson before, but....no, it seems as if I really didn't. I thought I could control how much I took in, but alas, it seems like my willpower just slips away in those moments. I don't seem to know my limits, I think, so I think I'm going to put my drinking on hiatus. I'm not going to say "Never again", and be at it...but I think I need some time to figure it all out.


EDIT: Scratch that. Well, Paul's coming this weekend, which will no doubt involve some form of MAD (mutually assured drinking). Soon, though...soon