Sleep

"Fatigue is the best pillow."

Benjamin Franklin

This week has certainly been an odd when, especially when it comes to sleep. It seems that I'm being plagued by insomnia, although I feel so very, very tired. Sleep is starting to become a scarcity for me now; my naps that would come to me easily are disrupted by my bladder, by nightmares, or by the unevenness of my internal clock. I used to relish lying down and hitting the bed, feeling the day's events wash over me and carry me into sleep; now, I lay in bed, staring at a ceiling painted in the harsh blue glare of my alarm clock.

Speaking of which, my alarm clock failed me on Friday, although my bladder certainly didn't. Setting the clock to 6 AM, I figured that I'd have over an hour to review and to prepare for my third Biochem test. What I didn't factor in was me not listening to my alarm clock, or not having set it all; thus, I ended up waking up at the start of the exam, rather than an hour before it.

Now, I certainly did panic when I awoke at 7:30 and realized I was still in bed. But, before I ran in my flip flops all the way down to the Bio building, I thought. I relaxed. I took a piss, shotgunned a container of cottage cheese and a bottle of water, and prepared myself for the test, physically if not mentally. It was comforting, actually, not feeling an intensive wave of dread at the thought of the test's difficulty (which was hard, no doubt about that), but rather, at the idea that I was late.

Its nice to know that I can still keep my cool in a situation like that. Maybe it was that extra bit of sleep that did the trick.

Forge

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."

James Anthony Froude

Recently, I've come to the conclusion that there's a lot of things I'd like to do, but I simply cannot do them. Some, for example, are infinitely out of my reach at the moment (i.e. backpacking across Europe), due to the twin issues of time and money. Others are rather easily to undertake, but given my laziness, have essentially gone unattended (i.e. learning how to cook).

So, I endeavor now to spend every day learning something new, and learning to talk to new people. I've realized that I've withdrawn into my own comfort zone, and it would be pretty damn egotistical of me to assume that I'm the only one facing this problem. Comfort zones are tricky areas to navigate, but then, life's too short to be wondering about how something actually is, instead of actually experiencing it.

I'll try and keep a record of this by updating my blog with more than just musings, feelings, and rantings. And I'll try doing it more than twice a month, too.

Nostalgia

A year's passed since the inception of this blog; more than a year, in fact. Yet I'm not treating it as a momentous occasion, a reason to celebrate and reflect upon my reflections. On the contrary, I'm skimming the contents of this blog with a somewhat warranted, somewhat justified amount of contempt.

Nostalgia; funny how I can only look back at some of these posts, and only see a vast history of weakness. I suppose hindsight is 20/20, after all, and I never truly had my Xanga/Myspace/Blog of teenage-angst-phase until college. Call me a late bloomer, if you will.

Nostalgia is a tricky emotion indeed. Its both sad and joyful, mournful yet celebratory; I think nostalgia has to be the most two-sided feeling ever. And coming to the end of the road that is my undergrad years, I feel a sudden amount of nostalgia.

Of memories gone and faded forever. Of flickers from the past that burst clarity into my brain, that bring smile or frown on my face. Right now I'm listening to Everything In Its Right Place, a song that I once dedicated an entry to. Rather, it is a remix of the song; old, yet new. Carrying the same words, lyrics, yet an entirely different pace and tempo. An entirely new song, yet at its fundamental core, the same hypnotic melody that took my mind to so many different places.

Ah, nostalgia. You're starting to get me misty-eyed.

Alone

This week has been a rather interesting one. Failing to get a bid from Kappa Psi, a pharmacy fraternity with whom I had a desire to pledge to only because of a promise to Skott, I realize that I prefer being alone. Moreover, I also learned the real reason of me being denied a bid was because of all the crap I've talked about KY over the past years, and up to the time I was at their rush dinner. I can't say that I'm surprised; I'm more amused, actually. But, there have been some positive side-effects from this rejection; already, I feel more focused and energized by this rejection by KY than I have this entire semester, where I felt like a burned-out husk at the semester's onset; now, now more than ever, I feel ready to tackle my schoolwork and finish strong.

I find that my life is, unfortunately, starting to mimic my brother's, as time slowly passes on. Is that what history is, a series of cycles? I realize, now, that my reasons for wanting to join KY, while mostly unselfish, were not very intelligent at all. I didn't join them for their brotherhood, but rather, as an additional way to build upon the friendships I already had with people.

Yet, I am rather glad that I've earned the enmity of a whole organization. I feel free, now; in case Skott decides to rush for them again in the near future, I know that I won't, or can't, even have a chance to join them. Its funny, really, how a lot of the bad events in my life are more like blessings in disguise; but alas, I guess the optimist in me wants to see something good about pissing off the group that "runs pharm school", as some people have so eloquently pointed out to me. Most of the people I've respected in pharm school don't belong to any fraternity, so I don't feel bad knowing that I'd be in that type of company.

I also have to admit that I've always been somewhat of a loner, too. I think I can make friends and talk to people; I may seem somewhat arrogant here, but I hardly consider myself to be a social outcast, regardless of how many bridges I may be burning and building with people at UOP. Yet, more and more, I'm starting to see the power that can be found in solitude.

21

Its my birthday today. Hmmm...I don't know how to feel towards it, really. On the one hand, I'm quite grateful that this night isn't turning out to be a repeat of last year, where I inevitably landed in jail. Around this time...hell, I don't even remember what happened this time last year because I was drunk off my ass. On the other hand, I feel quite unsatisfied that I'm NOT drunk off my ass; our culture associates the 21st birthday as a celebration that requires the birthday boy (or girl) to drown their night out with lots, and lots, of alcohol.

Still, who wants to drink on a Sunday?

Betrayal

I just betrayed a friend. A dear friend, a brother to me in so many ways...and I've sold him out. The situation is more complex than that, but when it boils down to it...I've betrayed somebody's trust.

And it was the best decision I could have made.

Resolutions

The first post of the New Year. Of the new decade, even. Looking back at this past year (and ten years), and all the ups and downs that I've experienced...its mesmerizing, really; that a person could experience all this, could change so much, and yet have so much more to live and change still. Of friendships born, and friendships ended; of victories gained, and defeats suffered; of joy, of sorrows, and everything in-between.

Twenty (and soon to be twenty-one, with all the fun that entails), I'm in the prime of my youth, yet ready to see so much more. So...a new year. A new decade. Time to wipe the slate clean. Anything is possible, all boundaries have been lifted.

Time to start this next set of ten years with a bang.